Talk:Bitter Sweet Symphony (2)/@comment-3575890-20130223205050
So, I really wasn’t planning on recording my thoughts on the episode, what with how pissed and upset I am right now, but I thought maybe if I vent, I’ll feel better. This one is going to take on a very different tone from my usual posts, as my anger and bitterness is bound to bleed into my writing. My feelings are pretty much all over the page right now, much like how the episode itself was, so bear with me. This is going to be a long, incoherent mess, lol. This episode REALLY triggered me. I’m not going to go into great depths with it, but as someone with a history of depression and suicidal ideation/tendencies, this episode really hit close to home for me and not in a bittersweet that-was-depressing-but-poignant-and-beautiful sort of way; I mean it literally left me with the worst, gut-wrenching empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. I feel sick. I feel angry. I feel bitter. I just FEEL so damn much right now and I can’t wrap my head around how something as simple as an episode from a television show could have such a lasting impact over me. I can honestly say this one hurt more than JT’s death for numerous reasons I won’t even begin to get into. My stomach plummeted the moment Snake confirmed Cam was dead and the feeling didn’t let up for the rest of the episode. The ending did NOTHING to satiate my sadness like I hoped it would either. Before anyone points fingers at me exclaiming how silly it is that a television show can effect me so much, it is NOT just the fact that I’m saddened by Campbell’s death. Yes, I’m devastated by the fact that he’s gone (enough to quit the show, actually) but that part of it is really just the tip of the iceberg that accounts for what I’m feeling right now. This episode unearthed unpleasant, repressed memories that I had honestly before tonight believed I had buried away for good. It’s surreal because before tonight I hadn’t felt these emotions or thought about these godforsaken memories for years, but now since watching this episode, I can’t shake any of it. And upon realization that all it takes is the slightest trigger to put me back into that mindset -- it makes me question everything I THOUGHT I knew about myself. So I can’t even imagine the impact this episode weighs on viewers in a worse off state than me. I am legitimately concerned for the emotional wellbeing of some people in this fandom right now. But anyways, time to get into the meat of the episode already. Dallas was by far the saving grace. His reaction to Campbell’s death in terms of how it was written AND acted was nothing short of breathtaking. In the classroom you could just SEE how inconsolable Dallas was, coming apart at the seams by the second and desperately fighting to hold in his emotions, of which Demetrius conveyed flawlessly. I swear I sucked in my breath and held it for the entire duration of Dallas' breakdown. Demetrius nailed the rawness of the emotion right down to the last syllable -- he was just PHENOMONAL and needless to say, it managed to rattle me out of my depressed reverie to where it had my full attention without my thoughts meandering elsewhere like they'd been doing throughout 98% of the episode. I’ve always said Dallas was a complex and multi-dimensional character but tonight’s episode especially drove that point home. I must again express my disappointment in these writers for letting yet another seasoned actor slip through their fingers because Demetrius is truly outstanding. A lot of people in the fandom seem to be furious with Maya right now for not grieving in a similar manner but I challenge you to try and put yourself into the mindset of a fourteen year old girl who’s boyfriend just committed suicide and tell me you wouldn’t react any differently. I honestly understand Maya’s point of view better than anyone else's. She’s so irrevocably hurt. Hurt that Cam never went to her about his problems. Hurt that she wasn't enough to get him to stay.In her eyes, Cam has heartlessly abandoned her leaving her alone to deal with the fall out of his death while he gets to escape his pain and suffering. She doesn’t grasp the complexity of the problem that drove his decision to end his life. All she’s gathered from this is that he made the conscious decision to leave her and she is angry with him for it. She probably questions if he ever loved her at all and it’s a justified contemplation; it would look that way to anyone who has been left behind by a loved one. Even though I do not agree with the things she said at his vigil, I can’t hold it against her when in fact this anger she holds for him is a testament to how much she’s hurting. Her cool and indifferent demeanor is anything but unrealistic or unreasonable. That said, I will ''say that I expected a bit more of a reaction out of her than just some squeezing out of a few tears by the end of the episode. But the fact that the opportunity for her to legitimately grieve was not explored portends (to me) that the writers intend to stretch this out for quite some time until perhaps Maya ends up in a similar place to Cam. I definitely don’t think the reality of the situation has fully settled on her yet and that it’s going to tilt her world off it’s axis when it does. Thank god for wonderful, supportive older sisters like Katie Matlin. I honestly don’t know how anyone could hate her after watching this episode. When the time comes for Maya to mourn, I'm certain it will be Katie who will get her through it. I felt the reunion between Maya and Tori was executed in poor taste. Of course a death ''is ''reasonable grounds to end a feud. It would have been unrealistic for Tori to continue to give Maya the cold shoulder after such a tragic loss. But nonetheless it felt very 'forced.'' I’d have rather they re-established their friendship on natural terms than simply because Maya’s boyfriend was dead and Tori felt sorry for her, but I guess there's no use dwelling on that now. Becky, Dave and Mo were all heartless. I honestly don't care that Dave and Mo were just trying to diffuse the tension and lighten the atmosphere; sometimes you just got to know when to use a goddamn filter. Humor isn’t appropriate for ALL situations. Especially where fucking SUICIDE is involved. I would like to know what was running through Dave’s mind when he thought it was a good idea to inquire about Cam in such an inappropriate and disrespectful way. I get what they were trying to do, but it just came off as insensitive and heartless. As if Eli wasn't traumatized enough. And don’t even get me started on Becky who I actually expected would treat Cam’s suicide with the most compassion; boy, did I have her pegged wrong. I understand that her show of intolerance yet again boils down to religious beliefs, but there is a line to be drawn at some point, and expressing such apathetic contempt towards an innocent boy who ended his own life because he believed it was his only way to salvation surpasses my threshold of understanding and forgiveness. Fuck you, Becky. Overall, this wasn’t a TERRIBLE episode. It had a lot of powerful moments and some of the strongest acting I’ve ever seen on this show, but I still can’t contain my disappointment over how rushed and underwhelming it all felt at points. After Eli found Cam’s body, it seemed like the writers were just trying to plow through as much ground as they could cover in twenty-three minutes. It should have been a full hour. Period. Even more so than poor time management though; my greatest grievance OF ALL was the overwhelming lack of Campbell. The episode seemed to focus in on everyone BUT him. I know they were aiming at a group dynamic, but they forgot to include the most important point of view of all: Campbell's! No introspective insight into his psyche during his final moments alive? No explanation as to why he did it? Yes, it was a given he was depressed, but what I wanted to know is when did that depression begin? How long did he struggle with his depression? Did he have a long history of depression and self-harm? What was his background? There are so many questions left unanswered that will never be verified now. Such is why this episode did NOTHING for me in terms of granting me closure. I’m not naive. I knew in my heart of hearts Campbell was going to commit suicide, but I did not count on it being handled so flimsily. The last time we ever see him he’s sitting on the steps crying and the next time we see him – well, we don’t actually get to see him at all! He’s already gone. And I guess that was intended to be the point, but regardless don’t we have the right to feel cheated that we didn’t get to see this one character we all relate so strongly to in his final moments? I mean, would it have killed the writers to show him in the greenhouse, perhaps going through some internal conflict before making his decision and THEN cut to the credits before he carries out the act? Now knowing that Cam's character was created just so they could do this kind of storyline – it frankly really cheapens things for me. It's like raising a pig for slaughter. To think he never had a chance at all. I resent the writers for making me love him so damn much. Iwritetoomuchcrap